Sunny

Sunny today. I've been into town. I'm tired and low on energy; tired of this blocked nose and the coughing. It's surprising how many steps one can walk up and down taking public transport; so many steps in railway stations. I visited two shops. They kindly take my cards on consignment. I swapped a few of the items over for fresh ones but came away without any money. That's because the right contacts weren't there. Yesterday I drove to two outlets and came home with seventy-five dollars. Three hours yesterday by car and three hours today by car, train and bus.

My ex-boyfriend has sent a message of love from Europe by sms, plus the international numbers prefixing his telephone number, saying his phone will collect the charge. I'm not going to ring him.
My Date from a few weeks back has disappeared into history. Nobody else is pursuing me. I have thoughts only for my ex-boyfriend.
What to do though. He'll eventually be back and maybe he'll never give up my girlfriend. Maybe he'll want to see her and see me too. That is not something I'll tolerate. I've told him so. If he dumps her I'm bound to hear about it. Surely she wouldn't give him up without a public fight. I just can't see how he could give her up and expect the details of his duplicity to stay hidden. That is why I think he can't give her up. If he can't give her up then I'll have to give him up.
Two years more in my mothering role. I can't hope to keep him. I understand his impatience. He wants to 'live'. My kids are not his kids. Maybe I shouldn't even bother trying to have a boyfriend or look forward to a future with someone.
All there is is sickness anyway. I'll just have reached a position when I have plenty of time on my hands, when the partner who has settled with me will start getting sick and I'll have to nurse him. When my time eventually comes to be free, I'll be stuck looking after someone and won't be able to travel.
I don't understand the love I feel for him. Nor do I trust it. Maybe its not love at all. He is not good for me. He drinks every day. I only drink when I'm with someone, out of nerves possibly. We talk alot and just sit around enjoying each others company. We go out to pubs and dance. He buys me dinner sometimes. I cook alot at his place. That was months ago now.
Of all the boyfriends I've had since the marriage broke up, he has lasted the longest.

Many boyfriends. But I've always gone into a relationship with the best of intentions. If I can sleep with a guy, I reason, then I'll sleep with him for the rest of my life. If I can't even start something then I let them know I'm not ready for a relationship. My mantra is 'kindness'. I shrivel at the thought of hurting anybody. There were many boyfriends before psychotherapy, there have been alot after my marriage broke up too. Not that I wanted it that way. My situation; three young children and me boasting about how I'm so proud to be able to devote my life to them. No man wants to hear it. Then, the army of married men looking for regular mistresses or regular 'one night stands', knowing just how to take advantage of lonely, deserted mothers. They say soothing words, lies, anything to start something up that doesn't go beyond the next day.
The constant rejection, the pain of being dumped and deceived, that I thought had been left behind in my youth, is a constant companion. I'm getting dumped, deceived, used, for reasons other than being a 'sitting duck'. Atleast I don't do it back. I take it, stick to my ideals. I know what is important; doing my duty to my kids, and being kind. I don't find life easy though, that constant rejection. I get knocked over and I get up and try again, to get rejected after a few months or a night. I never give up hope though, just get a bit sad sometimes.